I oscillate constantly between feeling like i’m aging in a good way, getting ‘sexier’ with time, and then feeling like gollum’s very close pop-singing relative. So decrepit, somehow both skinny and fat at the same time. I'm 30. I’ve struggled with my body image for a lot of my life, as i’m sure most people have. I’m historically famously skinny, and i’m not THAT skinny anymore. I’m historically famously twinky (I am still the google search result image for ‘twink’), and i’m not THAT twinky anymore. Oy vey.My natural response to this pressure is two pronged, depending on the day (or hour) you catch me. Prong #1: Let’s not forget, I’m woke!!! I grew up on the tumblr of 2012. Before we were woke we were Social Justice Warriors, and the corner I existed in online was on the front line. I am body positive to my core and believe that every body is beautiful. I’m grateful for mine (and yours, sexy), and that it allows me to do all the things that I want to, free of pain and illness. It’s also cool to age... I heard this piece of advice (anecdotally) from a person at the very top of the fashion world - ‘stay ugly’. Ie. don’t fuck with your face. How cool!! When everyone else has the same nose and no wrinkles and no smile lines and filler that’s migrated all the way down to their necks, you’ll be so happy and chic and weathered and wise. Since December 1st, i’ve been going to the gym and eating more. Tracking calories, but in a way that feels less toxic than it sounds - i’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much I am advised to eat. I’ve been getting bigger - still lean, but more muscley, defined, and toned. It’s only been 6 weeks and sometimes i’ll run my hands over my chest and feel like it belongs to someone else. I have more energy and less tension in my neck. I’m proud of myself.Prong #2: Fat transfer to my under eyes (i’ve heard filler under eye is dangerous and can look bad) CONSULTATION was going to cost me $3k USD. I know because I called to ask. I’d have to go unde